Everyone meets people who don’t like them and whom they don’t like.What should be done to deal with unpleasant people and social situations?
According to me the answer lies in three parts:
- Deal with the disturbed feelings
- Don’t judge or rather keep judgment to a minimum. You will need to form an opinion of what is happening and that involves a certain minimum amount of judgment. But be very clear that you are not here to reward or punish anyone including the person who has caused you aggravation. That is the job of God Almighty or of a judge in a court of law.
- Learn the necessary skills of being assertive and dealing with unpleasant people. That way you will be able to stand up for your rights as well as behaving ethically and not victimising anyone.
Point three involves exposing yourself to constructive role models and learning from them. This article is about points one and two and it involves some amount of subtle thinking. As the Mahabharata says: The Dharma is subtle.
The two guiding principles are mentioned above (points one and two).
Basically allow yourself to feel what you are feeling while being very careful not to judge the people who have ill treated you. If you are the target of malice (whether or not it is deserved) then feeling bad is the most natural thing in the world. So feel what you are feeling while reserving judgment about people and events.
And guard your thoughts. Your job is to deal with your hurt feelings and have them pass away. NOT to decide questions of right or wrong. DO NOT think along these lines. I cannot stress this strongly enough. The conflict between right and wrong is the sickness of the mind.
The last sentence of the above paragraph is taken from a Zen poem. Do a Google search for the last sentence of the above para. It is worth it.
These two guiding principles have helped me immensely through the years.
This involves some subtlety because if someone has caused you aggravation you naturally think angry thoughts about them and want to judge and condemn them. And that is the one thing you must not do. Judge not that you be not judged.
You are not here to run the Universe. That is the job of God Almighty.
This is the way to stay young as you age in years. Also to free yourself of the shackles of the ego. And also to be able to look at a situation with fresh eyes and understand it. If you are stuck to your old beliefs you will only see what you have seen earlier. Not what is in front of you.
If you do not judge you do not form any beliefs to free yourself from.
I will end with a quote from the autobiography of a Buddhist monk, Bhante Gunaratana Henepola:
As you will see in this book, even in the supposedly noble world of spiritual work, I encountered – in myself and in others – petty jealousies, backstabbing, indifference and cruelty.
Journey to Mindfulness: The Autobiography of Bhante G. eBook : Gunaratana, Henepola: Amazon.in
So indifference and cruelty and the like are faced by everybody, even respected Buddhist monks and masters. Learning to skilfully deal with such situations is part of essential life skills.
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