I have been lacking in empathy pretty much all my life. It is only in the last 5 or 6 years that I have become somewhat empathetic. I am 61 years old now and that means that for about 55 years I was severely handicapped by not having empathy. I used to be very critical and judgmental as regards everybody, including myself.
And it showed – my career, social life and family life are all in ruins partly because of this handicap.
Empathy is much valued in my community – that is the Kanara Saraswat community. There is a lot of emphasis on not causing inconvenience to others. I think, myself, that they have taken this to an unhealthy extreme. But that is just my view.
There is no avoiding the fact that empathy is essential. For your career, social life, your relations with the opposite sex. You have to be able to intuit what the other person is feeling and have some amount of sympathy and understanding for him at least.
As to how to learn to be empathetic. I have two pieces of advice:
- Get into the habit of seeing the situation from the other person’s point of view. This is an essential life skill. I will refer you to the self help classic How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. This book is the last word on this subject.
- Feel your own feelings (emotions) without judgment or condemnation. This is a necessary but not sufficient condition to being able to intuit what the other person is feeling without judgment.
As I said earlier – I have been lacking in empathy for 55 years or more with disastrous results.
But every cloud has a silver lining. There is such a thing as the quality of having a healthy indifference to public opinion.
I have tried – with some success – not to care what people think of me ever since I read Emerson’s essay on Self Reliance. And this has given me freedom from restrictions that people impose on themselves because they respect and fear public opinion. This indifference has helped me survive harsh harassment without getting depressed. It has saved me from suicide and has helped me to stay balanced.
However essential empathy may be it still falls in the category of prudence and enlightened self interest. There are higher values. Just read the spiritual texts of the religion you follow.
Jesus specifically mentions in the New Testament that being respected and popular in society does not rank very high for him.
I am not sure what the Hindu and Buddhist spiritual texts have to say on the subject of being respected by society. It is possible that the subject was not even mentioned by them. They just ignored the topic. It was not worth even discussing.
So, in conclusion, empathy is essential. It makes possible a brotherly feeling and respect for your companion that is required for social life. But obsessing over not inconveniencing others is deeply flawed. There are higher values.
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