I’ll end this series of 3 blogs by writing about something I have never been good at – interpersonal relations.
Links to the previous two blogs are at the end of this article.
I remember being desperate for friends when I was young. My very desperation caused me to behave in eccentric ways and I became not only unpopular but also notorious. Which leads me to the first point which I learnt from Buddhism.
Be an island unto yourself.
Try, to whatever extent possible, to be self-sufficient – emotionally, financially, as far as your social life is concerned and in every which way. It is no fun to have to ask people for handouts. Believe me I am speaking from experience.
As far as financial and social life is concerned I have very little to say because I don’t have a track record I can point to. Take advice from people who have skills in these matters. But as far as being emotionally self-sufficient is concerned, it means, basically, that you don’t need anybody’s company to be happy. You are able to enjoy solitude – being with yourself.
Believe me, the consequences of not being able to tolerate your own company and imposing yourself on people who don’t want you around can be horrendous. Life is hard enough without your inviting trouble upon yourself. So learn this skill – it is not easy but it is simple.
By now you will know what I am pointing to – Buddhist mindfulness and meditation techniques.
Also, if you have a hobby which you enjoy, it will help you fill your time in a constructive way. I can recommend wholeheartedly the chapter on Impersonal Interests in the Bertrand Russell classic below:
Actually I can recommend the whole book wholeheartedly. It has changed my life and influenced me in more ways than I can count.
The next skill necessary for good interpersonal relations is having empathy. This involves two steps:
- Practise Buddhist mindfulness
- Do not judge anyone – starting with yourself.
Again this is not easy but it is simple. You will learn the skill of intuiting what your companion is feeling and will be able to act in a constructive way which helps both your friend and yourself.
The next point I want to make is that if you have a mentor or a role model whom you can spend time with then you can learn these skills in a very natural way. The mentor leads and teaches by example and is also able to correct your mistakes as and when you make them. So you learn by doing.
In my case I learned whatever interpersonal skills I have by reading books. It is not just a question of knowing what to do. You also need to be shown how to do it by example. I learnt these skills from my reading.
The last point is not actually something you do. It is something you are. According to the Hindu scriptures our nature is Sat Chit Ananda (Existence-Consciousness-Bliss Absolute). If you are able to free yourself of the ego so as to be able to experience the bliss that is your true nature then you will never lack for friends or company.
Actually the last sentence above is not accurate. Bliss is not something that you have or an object that you experience. It is something that you are. It is your nature. It is covered up by your ego. You just need to free yourself of the ego to manifest it.
Just about every religious tradition will teach you how to free yourself of the ego. Take your pick. I have had good experience with Buddhist methods.
I can point to the actor Shah Rukh Khan to illustrate my point. He is the life of the party wherever he goes. I have never met him and I don’t know to what extent he takes spirituality seriously but he has reached the state I am pointing at.
Below are the links to the earlier two blogs in this series
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