The meaning of the word recluse is:
a person who lives alone and who maintains very little contact with other people or society
OR
a religious person who lives a life away from other people and society
Both meanings apply to me to some extent. I have little contact with people and I take spirituality seriously.
I am flouting the authority of people in power (including some members of my community and extended family although my parents are allowing me to write what I want in my blog). By not marrying, not having a job, by writing my blog criticizing society and the way I have been treated over the years and doing just about whatever I want to do. And they in turn are expressing their displeasure and trying to put pressure on me.
How?
By shunning and ignoring me from time to time.
It is not pleasant to be ignored and shunned by people you like and have known all your life. But I think it is the lesser of the two evils.
What is the greater evil?
To marry and try to earn and do whatever Indian society demands of respectable people.
Why is this the greater evil?
First reason is that there are cultural differences between Indian society and me. I cannot possibly adjust and change myself at my age and I am almost sure to do something to offend the powers that be sooner or later even if I marry and so on and saddle myself with responsibilities. That is simply jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
Second reason is that if I am to have a family I have to provide for and protect my wife and kids. I am completely incapable of doing either.
Third reason is that marriage is a serious and painful business. I am saving myself a huge amount of inconvenience and aggravation right now. Sometimes I ask myself, “What would you prefer? Society causing you aggravation for about 4 or 5 hours per week or a wife causing you aggravation 12 to 16 hours a day?”
He he.
Also I have multiple ailments. Not surprising for a 60 year old.
But the main reason I am happy to be a recluse is none of the above. I am happy to stay single because I am terrified of dying.
I did a mindfulness of death exercise many years ago inspired by some Tibetan Buddhist books that I read. This exercise was of use to me in a crisis situation in 2006. But now I find myself in a state of absolute terror for some stretches of time every day. This is one long term disadvantage that I have to live with.
And because of this fear I am happy to spend most of my time as a recluse doing spiritual stuff trying to become enlightened or at least deal with the fear of death.
I think Aamir Khan – the film actor – also made the same mistake I did and has the same problem. That is what I read in an article somewhere.
The fear of death is called thanatophobia.
Thanatophobia may have its bad points but it has kept me on the straight and narrow path. I have avoided a huge amount of mischief by being chaste and avoiding involvement with women. This is required by the spiritual practices I am doing.
Here is an earlier blog on chastity. It explains why it is best from a purely selfish point of view to abstain. I am nothing if not completely selfish. Being chaste has saved me a huge amount of time, money and trouble. I can use that by pursuing my interests like spirituality.
Bottom line is that I am more interested in spirituality than in women, career, family life and social life. It should not surprise anyone given that I am 60 years old.
Sometimes I get tempted. Who doesn’t? From time to time I have a mild flirtation with attractive women. But up to now I have managed to stay out of mischief. It’s quite easy. I just have to follow the path of least resistance.
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